Anda Su

Just a guy trying to follow Jesus through the everyday stuff of life.

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For this is the will of God, your sanctification (1 Thessalonians 4:3a, ESV)

“There’s no way you’re not going to date while in uni, right? I know that I want to!”

“Well I think I’d be too busy for that… Engineering’s pretty tough.”

It’s quite funny looking back on that discussion I had with a friend just as we both started university. While I predicted the “results” pretty accurately, I was totally wrong when it came to the reasons.

Reflecting on my undergrad, I had many lessons I needed to learn. With this blog, I wanted to share the things I’ve learned when it comes to dating relationships. Obviously, I’m writing this as a man who has never dated before. So instead of just yapping about my opinions and ideals, I’ve got the help of Pastor Jacob Reaume from Trinity Bible Chapel, who’ll share his thoughts in the form of an interview later in this blog. I’ll also include some nuggets of wisdom that I’ve heard from many other Christian couples!

Preamble

While the Bible is pretty clear on what marriage looks like for Christians, there isn’t as much to go on when it comes to Christian dating. That’s primarily since dating is a pretty modern phenomenon; in other words, it’s not covered in Scripture because it was never a thing! Instead, we have to look to principles to shape what dating looks like for Christians. I’m talking about seeking wise counsel from experienced people (Prov. 15:22, Ps. 1:1-2, Ti. 2:3-4), upholding righteousness and holiness (1 Pe. 1:14-16, Ps. 1:1-2), and things of that sort.

For the university student, this topic is quite relevant, as many start to consider taking dating relationships seriously. I hope that this blog can be an encouragement and an exhortation to strive for excellence in these matters.

A note for the reader: I do believe that dating should be directed towards marriage. While that’d be a wonderful topic for me to write about, there are lots of resources out there already! I’ll make sure to link some resources at the end of this article. But do note that I’m writing this with the belief that dating is a relationship between a man and a woman who are actively and intentionally together to consider marriage (and not something to do just because you’re bored, or something else).

Fundamentals

If you’re a Christian, you’ve probably heard that marriage (and therefore dating) should be between two Christians, otherwise, you’d be “unequally yoked” (2 Cor. 6:14) — that is, you’d be in a relationship where you’re constantly in conflict with each other (because of your fundamental beliefs). This is an issue for the Christian dating a non-Christian, since at times, you’d be forced to choose between obeying God or going along with your partner’s desires — not a great place to be. I won’t talk about this further, but it is assumed throughout the rest of this blog that dating is between two Christians. That being said, if you’re a Christian dating a non-Christian… wyd? (read onwards…)

I think that there is a tendency to settle once people check off the “Christian” box. But I think that is a really low bar to hit. Instead, I think the fundamentals of successful dating are the following: clarity, sanctification, and community.

Clarity

I define clarity quite simply: gaining certainty in whether or not to move forward with marriage. This means that if the dating phase comes to an end, and you know that both of you are headed into marriage, you’ve gained clarity and have successfully dated. Equally as successful is knowing that the relationship will not go further towards marriage and breaking it off immediately. The question to ask yourself is not just, “Do I want to marry this person?”, but rather, “Am I willing to make a lifelong covenant with this person? To lay my life down to serve her/follow his lead?” (Side note: using biblical language for marriage helps put things into perspective). If that answer is a yes, get the process rolling! If not, break it off immediately!

Sanctification

As I quoted above from 1 Thess. 4:3, God’s will for you is your sanctification. So then, if your dating relationship is causing you and your partner to grow in holiness, that’s a great sign! If not, and especially if you’ve been together for a considerable amount of time, you should re-evaluate things. The point is, you should be growing in your love for and obedience towards Christ as you date!

Community

Community is also extremely important, as they can help you honestly evaluate things. This is especially helpful when you’re prone to seeing things in rose-tinted glasses! So, building relationships (especially with those who are already married, as they can share their wisdom) will help you greatly! Also, you don’t want to isolate yourself as you date. Should the relationship go south, you don’t want to find yourself without people to be with, as that can be really tough.

Now as I share in the next sections personally, I’ll often be alluding to these 3 fundamentals and their derivatives.

Lessons Learned

As I awkwardly made my way through university, I had to learn many lessons. But looking back, I’m glad I realized the following things: The importance of self-examination, boldness and clear communication, and upholding proper boundaries.

Self-Examination

Before even trying to start a relationship, I had to examine myself: Am I where I need to be? Do I have the right motivations for wanting to start a relationship? I had to be brutally honest with myself, and look at what Scripture says about marriage.

I found that when you start to use biblical language to describe marriage, it greatly affects how serious you will take dating. For example:

  • A wife is a helper fit for the husband (to accomplish what God had set out for humanity, namely, to “be fruitful, multiply, fill and subdue the earth, and have dominion over the rest of creation”) (Gen. 2:18, Gen 1:28)
  • A man is to leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife (Gen. 2:24)
  • A husband is to love his wife sacrificially, the same way Christ did for the church (Eph. 5:25)…
  • …And so a wife willingly and joyfully submits to her husband (Eph. 5:22)

Some other characteristics that describe a godly person:

  • A faithful worshipper of Christ alone (no idolatry)
  • A steward of God-given resources (e.g., time, money)
  • A humble person

When I dug deep, I found myself lacking in many of these areas! And knowing that marriage doesn’t fix these issues, I really had to pump the brakes on my end.

Some questions you have to ask are, “Do I see myself described as a godly person according to Scripture? Am I willing and ready to live out the implications of my role were I to be married (e.g., leading, submitting)? Does the other person I’m interested in/currently dating display these characteristics as well?”

Self-examination led me to a lot of conviction of sin and repentance, and provided me so much clarity in whether or not to even begin to pursue a relationship. Before you dive into things, consider flipping through Scripture and seeing whether you are already obeying Christ with your life (don’t skip the resources section, I’ll link a book that was very helpful for me down below).

Boldness & Clear Communication

If you’re ready to pursue someone (and this is particularly for the men, but not exclusive to the men), you need to be bold and communicate clearly (and by bold, I don’t mean recklessly asking around for a date — that’s just foolish). Don’t play games (you’re wasting time and making the lines extremely blurred — read the section on boundaries), just full send it! This means that the words you choose to use must be clear. Don’t drag on your sentences, don’t use filler words. Just say it how it is. This makes it infinitely easier on the recipient’s end as well.

And if you are dating, you need to continue to communicate clearly. You might find it nice if your partner can pick up on your “hints” (as terrible as they may be…), but no one is a mind reader.

I definitely have been at fault when it comes to boldness and clear communication, and it made things so much more awkward than they needed to be. So please, even if you are a “quiet/awkward person”, this is one thing that you have to be bold with!

Also, a note for those on the receiving end: You also need to respond with clarity (and grace of course). This means no cowardice! There seems to be a common thought that it’s better to let someone down gently (whatever that might mean). But, that just makes it all the worse (again, read on to the boundaries section). If you’re going to reject someone, a simple, “No, sorry. I’m not interested.” is all that is needed! An insider scoop from a guy’s perspective: if you add on additional reasons/excuses, most guys will think that there’s still a chance later on, and all they need to do is improve/wait. Cowardice totally destroys whatever initial friendship you had.

Boundaries

Neighbour, sister/brother, betrothed, wife/husband, mother/father. These are the relationships that you could have with people. That is…

  • Neighbour: someone you serve (Luke 10:29-37).
  • Sister/Brother(-in-Christ): sibling, fellow believer.
  • Betrothed: the person you’re engaged to (meaning, engaged is not married).
  • Wife/Husband: the person you’ve made a lifelong covenant with to obey and glorify God with your marriage, living out scripture (e.g., Gen. 1 & 2, Eph. 5).
  • Mother/Father: your parents.

With these relationships come their respective boundaries. There are some things you would do with one, that you cannot do with the other. You can for example, be a neighbour to everyone and serve them; but what you can do with your spouse, you cannot do with your betrothed.

One common example is physical boundaries. Now the immediate thing to mention is that sex is designed by God to be shared between a husband and a wife (so sex belongs only within that relationship). Though, often times, we neglect other aspects of physical boundaries. For example, the frequency and length of time you spend together, various levels of physical touch, etc.

While there isn’t an exact list of what to do and what not to do (and this is for all types of boundaries, physical, emotional, spiritual, etc.), I think it comes down to what’s appropriate for the relationship that you have. A question to ask yourself is, “Does what you are doing blur the lines of the relationship?” If so, that needs to be fixed! You don’t want to be in a relationship where your boundaries are lacking in clarity, as that can lead to some very negative things down the line.

I myself had to learn this! I had to be careful with how I interacted with women in particular, to ensure that what I did (or didn’t do) wouldn’t be questionable to others.

One passage from Scripture to keep in mind is 1 Timothy 3:2. While it talks about the qualifications of an elder, one other way of reading it is that everyone should aspire to be like an elder, “above reproach” — that is, that whatever you do wouldn’t call your character into question.

(Personal) Convictions to Carry (Practical Application)

Now as I round out my thoughts, I figured I’d share some personal convictions and application. I will happily admit, these are very ambitious/bold. But for me, I think they’re worth holding to. If you’re curious, read on, and if not, you can skip to the interview I had with Jacob!

  1. Ask the dealbreaker questions early on. By getting dealbreakers out of the way, you won’t waste time by finding out later that there is a huge, fundamental disagreement that prevents you from being married to each other. Things such as, “Do you want children?” helps you be more decisive and gives clarity. This can also include examination questions, like, “Would I be okay if my kids were exactly like him/her?”
  2. Keep to a (rough) timeline. From what I’ve seen, most Christians tend to get married from as early as 6 months all the way up to 2 years. While I don’t think there is a magical number that you absolutely need to stick to (and sometimes it’s just a matter of different seasons), I do think it’s good to have some timeline in mind. It helps you prioritize things and take the relationship seriously. What I’ve heard is to treat dating with a healthy mix of urgency and caution; push forward with as much as you can, while hitting the breaks when you need to dig deeper. I do want to challenge others though, if you’re dating for a very long time, why? I personally don’t see a point in dating for longer than 1 year (2 years if there’s reasonable exceptions) — why put yourself through such lengthy amount of temptation (there’s bound to be some, let’s be honest)? If dating is all about seeing whether or not you are headed to marriage, surely it doesn’t take you that long, does it?
  3. Prioritize membership at a Bible-believing church. Membership is biblical, and with that comes commitment. If you’re a member, that means that you have elders looking out for you, and that you’d submit to their correction and heed their advice. If the person you’re interested in is also a member, then that means they know what it is like to make a covenant relationship (which is what you’d be doing in marriage); and if they’re in the same church as you (which is ideal), then you probably will agree on many things already (e.g., sharing complementary views on marriage, as opposed to egalitarian views). And if they are a covenanted member at a different church, that’s okay (so long as it is a Bible-believing church)! Being a member also means that you’ll have community to be with through the relationship (remember how I mentioned the importance of community?).

This is just a small list, and by no means are you obligated to adhere to it. But I would highly recommend you list out some convictions that you want to carry forward in your relationship. And don’t forsake your convictions! Form your own list based on wisdom gained from the Scriptures, and from the counsel of older married couples!

Interview with Jacob Reaume

Finally, onto the interview section with Pastor Jacob — the part you’ve (likely) been waiting for! Jacob holds a Masters of Divinity from the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. Since August 2009, he has been the senior pastor at Trinity Bible Chapel in Waterloo, Ontario. Jacob is married to his high school sweetheart, Joanna, and together they have 6 children.

How Jacob and Joanna Met

Anda Su: Thank you for meeting up and chatting a bit about your thoughts as I compile these into a blog.

Jacob Reaume: Yeah, for sure.

AS: So, as you know, the topic is Christian dating, and I figured that you’d share a little bit more about your story. So what’s the story of how you and Joanna first met?

JR: Well, I was in grade ten math class, and she sat at the front of the room, and I was at the back, and the teacher got me in trouble and moved me to the front, right behind her, and that’s how we met. So she asked me if I got my homework done, and I said, “No, I didn’t,” and we became friends.

Marrying Early On

AS: How old were you when you married Joanna?

JR: We were 19. And there’s a story between that when I met her at about 15 and 19, if you want to hear the story.

AS: Sure, yeah.

JR: Well, it’s interesting. So after math class was over, the semester was over, she went on a missions trip. And one of the things that they challenged her to do on her missions trip, which was in South Africa, was to pray for people at her school to be saved. And so she started to pray every day that I would become a Christian. And it was through that time that God really began to work in my heart. And I read through the Bible and I became saved, and I fell in love with her, but she didn’t reciprocate in that aspect. So I prayed for a few years that if it was God’s will that she would turn around, and she did. And then she fell in love with me. And we were about 17 at that point. And so I’d say we dated for about two years. And we got married.

AS: 19 is a pretty young age, at least these days…

JR: Some would say.

AS: What was your reason for getting married so early?

JR: It was a priority because I met the woman that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and I saw no reason to delay the process any further. And I thought that this was a scriptural and right thing to do. So that’s what we did. Our pastor advised us. He said it’d be a good idea, and we figured that it would be an opportunity to trust the Lord to provide for all of our needs, which he did.

Lessons from Long Ago

AS: I think with that age, there’s a lot of different challenges and lessons. So what are some lessons that you learned when you guys were first dating?

JR: When we were first dating?

AS: Yeah.

JR: Boy, that’s a hard one. That seems like so long ago. Well, I think operating on scriptural principles is the best thing to do. So if the Bible commends marriage to you, then that’s a principle. The world would say, well, “wait till you have more money or you’re ready, or you’re more mature.” I think another lesson would be the importance of finding somebody who you’re most attracted to for their integrity. So, I mean, my wife is a beautiful person on the outside. I believe that, and always have. But even more important, I think, is her integrity. And I saw that very early on, which is something that drew me to her, which set her apart from the other girls I went to high school with. And I thought that she would be a really good mother to children, to my children. And so that’s why I wanted to pursue her. So I think you have to pursue someone like, “Would this person be a good woman or mother for my children?” [That] is a question that I think young men should be asking, and young ladies should be asking, “would this person be a good father to my children?”

JR: And that was one of the most important things that I was looking for, and I found that in her for sure. And I’ve seen that over the years.

AS: I find that when you start asking those harder questions, questions that actually matter, it puts things into perspective, and you really focus in on making your dating time valuable. If you realize, “hey, I’m not going to marry this person, because of these characteristics,” for example, lack of integrity, then you know very quickly that it’s beneficial to just break it off, and vice versa. If you’re confident. And I think when you have a community pouring into you, investing into you, and giving you a fair and truthful evaluation of how things are and they support you, that gives you all the more confidence to just move forward with that.

Lessons from Today

AS: What are some lessons that you’re learning today that you wish you could have learned back then?

JR: Well, I would say throughout the course of my marriage, I don’t think I always appreciated the importance of being thankful and content with the situation that God puts you in. And I wish I had known that when I was 18, 19, 20, 21. And I wish that was driven into my heart.

AS: Right.

JR: I’ve just finished preaching through a series on the ten Commandments. And I think what the ten Commandments represent and what they are, I don’t think I was taught as a young Christian. I wish I was, because I think it would have helped me establish better patterns throughout the course of my formative years. But I’m grateful the Lord has taught me what they mean now. So I think that’s something that’s really important. So I mean, the 10th commandment is you shall not covet. And if that’s true, then is it true that we must be content, thankful? And I think that captures all of them. So if we’re content and thankful with everything that God’s given us and everything God’s allowed for us, then we won’t violate the other ones. But I wish that had been something that I had owned more. I would have been a more joy-filled Christian and patient Christian over the years had that been the case. But in God’s grace, he has taught me that in due course.

AS: I’m curious to know, what was the story or situation during that time when you were 18, 19, 20, 21. How does that relate to thankfulness like you mentioned?

JR: Well, I just think I would have had a more joy-filled Christian life and would have been a better person and brought much more honour to God had I understood that better, which I suppose that’s the case for anyone that matures in Christ.

Convictions for Christians

AS: Our last question is, what are some convictions that single Christians and as well as dating Christian couples should carry today?

JR: I think that people need to be concerned most about the fear of the Lord. And what does God prioritize? I mean, if God prioritizes obedience to him in his law and faith in Jesus Christ; if you have faith in Jesus Christ, you will want to obey him. That will be an outflow of your faith. And these are what they need to prioritize as opposed to going on feelings and suppositions: “well, I wonder what God’s will is for my life. I wonder what God’s big plan is for me.” I guess these are nice thoughts, but we already know what God’s will is for us. He laid it out for us in his law. And so we have to focus on doing those things at whatever stage of life we’re in and then to learn, like I said, being content along the way. So singles should be learning contentment in their singleness, and married people need to be learning contentment at whatever stage of life they find themselves in, and that will serve them greatly, have hearts that overflow with thanksgiving. So those are things that people need to keep with them. I think when you’re young, you’re in your early teens, early 20s, you’re always looking forward to the next phase: “What’s life going to be like when I’m done school? What’s life going to be like when I am married? What’s life going to be like when I have kids, when I own a home, when I start my career?” But I think you need to enjoy, and this is part of being content, you need to enjoy where God has you right now while you do plan for the future. That’s scriptural. But enjoying where God has you is very important. And being thankful for where he has you.

AS: I find that we can dream so much about what’s going to happen next. When you take a step back and realize this can be very overwhelming if you try and rush into it. So you might be praying for a spouse or buying a house or whatever, or moving to a different country for a job, but sometimes that is not granted. And I personally look back and say, “thank God that he didn’t grant me my prayers because he’s protecting me from my foolishness!”

JR: Sometimes the best prayers are the ones he didn’t answer.

Final Thoughts from Jacob

AS: Any final thoughts for those who are dating as Christians, and last bits of wisdom you want to give them?

JR: Well, there’s two things. There’s two traps that I think you can fall in as you pursue the dating relationship.

JR: One is, “We just need to wait until everything falls into place before we get married.” I think dating should lead to marriage. It’s the time to evaluate. It’s the evaluative state. So you’re making the decision, “I’m going to be with this person for the rest of my life, [or] I’m not.” Once you come to the point that you’re not with this person for the rest of your life, end the relationship fast. But if you come to the point where you believe this person is a suitable mate, then get married quick. So the first trap that you could fall into is you could delay getting married for a very long time. And that’s unnecessary, and it’s foolish, and it’s unbiblical, it’s unscriptural, it’s not prioritizing what God prioritizes.

JR: The second trap you could fall into would be to get married too fast. So I’ve seen people, they’ll hear things I say about marriage, or they hear what others will say about marriage, and they’ll idealize it. And in idealizing it, what happens is they rush into marriage, and I think that’s a foolish decision, too. And so they fall in love with the person not because of who the person is, but because they have this wonderful vision of marriage, and that person just kind of fits the part. And I think that’s dangerous. So those two traps, one is delaying marriage unnecessarily, and then the other one is rushing into it. I don’t know what characterizes the younger generation. I think it depends who they are.

JR: I think there might be couples within this church who have been raised in it and have a high view of marriage, and they might be characterized more by the desire to get married fast. But then there might be couples who don’t have as high a view of marriage, and they might be waiting too long and not prioritizing it enough. But you have to be careful on both of those and inform yourself scripturally.

AS: All right, well, that’s all the questions that we have. So thank you so much again, Jacob, for meeting with me.

JR: Yeah, for sure. You’re welcome.

Final Remarks

I hope that this article has been a great encouragement and challenge to those of you who are currently dating/thinking about starting a relationship! If you got anything from this blog, I hope you hold onto this: get counsel from wiser, older married couples, and draw biblical principles from Scripture to help guide you in dating.

Resources

  • Meaning of Marriage: A classic book. I’ve only finished half and put it on pause for now, Tim and Kathy Keller share lots about how their marriage comes together to glorify God (there’s also a chapter on singleness). If you don’t have a single book on Christian marriage, just add this to your cart right now.
  • Yours, till Heaven: Tells the story of Charles Spurgeon (a famous preacher back in the mid-late 1800s) and his wife, Susannah “Susie” Spurgeon. It’s super encouraging getting to read how these two used their relationship to glorify God, even though they lived almost 200 years ago!
  • Desiring God Blog, “Every Marriage Needs a Mission”: A simple and short read on the DG website. It’s particularly targeted towards married men, but I think it’s helpful for singles/dating couples to think about ahead of time. Marriage is never unto itself, but for purposes of accomplishing God’s mission on earth (to redeem and restore it fully back to Him).
  • Not Yet Married: If Meaning of Marriage is the classic book for married couples, then this is the one for singles and dating couples. You can get it for free as well on the Desiring God website!
  • Desiring God Blog, “How to Love a Sister in Christ”: A great article for the men in particular, and helps address proper boundaries! Also, the Desiring God Blog has an archive of articles that address dating and singleness that you can check out!
  • The Exemplary Husband/The Excellent Wife: While these books are targeted towards husbands and wives, I think singles/dating couples will find lots of value in these books. Having read through The Exemplary Husband, there were lots of sin in my life that this book helped point out. I ran my discipleship group based on this book, and the other guys in it found it to be very convicting, challenging and encouraging as well. Highly recommend you pick up your respective book as soon as you can!